What Not To Do At NCIS
by Angel Sciuto
Summary: A selection of rules that came about because of some mischievous behaviour at NCIS
1. Chapter 1

What not to do at NCIS.

A/N: I don't own any of the NCIS characters I just enjoy writing these stories and wishing the real show writers would read them and use them in the show xD

Shout out to whitecrossgirl who's "_101 Things The BAU Aren't Allowed To Do" _story gave me the idea. Let me know in the comments if you have any ideas for rules

#1

McGee walked into the squad room carrying four coffees.

"Morning. Where's Gibbs?" He asked looking around.

"MTAC with the Director." Answered Cate. "That coffee smells good McGee."

"Your favourite." McGee said, handing her one.

"Thanks Tim." Cate smiled. McGee walked over to Tony's desk and placed one in front of him. "Pick me up Tony? You look like you could use one."

Tony nodded and kept typing.

"You got enough of those to go round McGee?" Gibbs was standing behind him. McGee turned around with the third cup ready for him.  
>" Just how you like it boss," He said. "From your favourite store." Gibbs smiled.<p>

McGee sat down and started to type up reports. Except that his fingers wouldn't move. They were stuck. Again!

"Tony!" he said exasperated.

"Don't you feel just a bit guilty Tony? McGee went and bought coffees for all of us and you've glued his fingers to his keyboard again?" Cate said bringing over acetone and bandaids to McGee. She poured some acetone over his fingers. He tried to move them. Nothing happened.

"I'll call Abby." Cate said grabbing the phone. As she pushed the button for Abby's lab, she realised the phone was stuck to her hand and her finger was stuck on the button.

"Tony! You have got to stop putting super glue on everything." Cate said before filling Abby in on what had happened.

A few minutes later Abby came up carrying a heavier duty acetone than what Cate had used.

"This should work. And Tony you should stop being so mean to McGee."  
>"Uh Abby? this isn't working. Tony what did you use?"<p>

"But isn't this a stronger acetone Abs?" Cate said frowning.

"Yeah there's different strengths. The kind you had in your desk is usually for nail polish and weak glues, this kind is for stronger glues and then there's acetone for industrial strength glues."

Tony sheepishly pulled a bottle out of his desk. It was a super glue commonly used with wood working. Industrial strength. Abby unplugged the phone and the keyboard.

"I'll take them to the ER Gibbs." He nodded and they left for the elevator.

That's when Rule #1 came in. As Gibbs explained it this rule was different to his usual ones. And if he had to add to it he would.

_#1 Tony is not allowed near super glue ever again! _


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: These stories won't be in chronological order.

#2

"ZIVA! Slow down you're going to hit that car." Tony yelled. He and McGee breathed a sigh of relief as they missed the car by a few inches. They grabbed onto the arm rests as Ziva swung wide around the corner.

"You really have to stop driving so crazy. You're an American citizen now. You don't have to drive like you're expecting to get blown up anymore." Tony said grumpily as they pulled into the Navy Yard.

"Old habits are hard to break Tony." Ziva replied showing their Ids to the guard on duty.

"You've been a citizen for three years Zee-va." Tony replied. Ziva glared at him.

A few days later while heading to a crime scene; "Ziva! Not safe to turn, not safe, not SAFE!" there was a loud crash as an oncoming semi crashed into their van.

"What the hell happened?" Gibbs said as he walked up to the team. McGee and Tony were getting glass taken out of numerous cuts and Ziva was sporting a broken wrist as well as numerous cuts.

"Ziva. Driving like a maniac. Pulled in front of a truck Boss. Tried to warn her." said Tony. Ziva looked down at the ground.

"I'm sorry Gibbs. I thought I could get past." Ziva said as the paramedic strapped her arm for transport.

"You could have killed us Ziva!" Tony shouted.

"DiNozzo I'll handle it." Gibbs said before turning to Ziva. "He's right you know. You could have killed them and yourself. I'm sorry but I have to do this for everyone's safety."

That's when Gibbs instigated Rule #2.

_#2 Ziva is never allowed to drive the crime scene truck again._


	3. Chapter 3

#3

"Tony are you sure we should be doing this? We're going to get into trouble."

"Just set it up McGee. Gibbs and Vance have gone home for the night. They'll never know." Tony replied as he, Ziva and Abby sat waiting.

"MTAC is not really supposed to be used like this Tony." McGee replied as he set up the screen and placed the movie in the CD drive.

"Where's your sense of adventure Timmy? It'll be fun." Abby said waving for him to sit next to her as the movie started.

"Abby's right McGee. Have some fun." Ziva said as "The Avengers" lit up the screen.

They sat enjoying the movie and eating their snacks. As it reached the half way point Tony stood up.  
>"Pause it McGee I need to go to the men's room."<p>

"Or maybe you should turn it off completely." The sound of Director Vance's voice made them all jump.

Ziva and McGee groaned as they realised that they had spilt their drinks all over the seats.

They turned around in their chairs to see Gibbs and Director Vance standing in front of the door.

"Boss, Director...I told them it was a bad idea. It was Tony's idea." McGee said stammering.

"Thanks McGeek!"

"Oh we know Agent McGee. You four will clean up this mess before you leave."

After this incident Rule #3 was made and everyone made sure Tony followed it.

_#3 MTAC is not to be used as a private cinema unless Director Vance gives permission._


	4. Chapter 4

#4

It was a quiet day at NCIS. Everyone had finished all their paperwork early and had nothing to do. Tony had suggested they take the rest of the day off before receiving a look from Gibbs that made him go quiet.

Later when Gibbs had left for another coffee run, Tony started walking upstairs.

"Tony where are you going?" McGee asked.

"To watch TV. Re-runs of Magnum PI are on." Tony said. McGee and Ziva looked at each other.

They chased after him.

"Tony remember what happened in MTAC last time? If you get caught again Vance might just fire you this time." McGee told him.

"I'm not going into MTAC this time Probie." Tony replied before walking into the director's office. "Vance is in San Diego so he'll never know." Tony said as he turned the TV on. McGee looked at Ziva as if to say 'talk him out of it.' Ziva shrugged and sat down.

"The Director can't catch us if he is not here McGee." she said. "And we have nothing else to do." McGee shook his head and started to walk back to the squad room. As he sat down at his desk he heard the ding of the elevator. Who should walk out but Director Vance. McGee grinned to himself. It would serve Tony right. Needless to say this brought about Rule #4.

_#4 The TV in the Director's office is not for agents' personal use. EVER. _


	5. Chapter 5

#5

It was another boring case-less day at NCIS and Cate and Abby were sitting at Abby's desk putting on different nail polishes.

"Gibbs is going to freak when he sees you doing that at work." New team member Timothy McGee said looking up from his desk.

"They're women Probie. What do you expect?" Tony DiNozzo piped up.

"What's that supposed to mean, DiNozzo?" Cate said indignantly.

"Well there's only so many things women are good at. Like clothes, make-up, cooking. Maybe that's why you're a scientist Abs, because you're good at cooking." Abby and Cate glared at him. But Tony seemed not to notice. For the rest of the day he made comment after comment. Every time Cate looked like she was going to attack him Abby shook her head. Cate could tell she was planning something so she seethed in quiet.

That evening after everyone had left, Cate and Abby went down to Abby's lab.

"Why didn't you let me slap DiNozzo around the head?" Cate asked her.

"Because I have a better plan. Also I don't know what's gotten into him. He's usually annoying but not like this." Abby replied.

"So what's the plan?" Cate said sitting on a stool next to Abby's Mass Spectrometer. Abby grinned evilly and held up a container. Cate frowned, puzzled.

"Birth control pills?" she queried. Abby giggled.

"One every day in his morning coffee for a month should teach him a lesson. Bring him more in touch with his feminine side. Don't you think?" Cate laughed.  
>"Brilliant as always Abby."<p>

For the next month Abby and Cate alternatively brought Tony his morning coffee, adding a pill before giving it to him. For weeks he had been acting hormonal and moody and Cate and Abby had enjoyed every minute of it.

The final straw came at a crime scene. They were processing the scene of a Petty Officer who had been brutally murdered with an axe. Gibbs was just starting to tell them what to start doing when Tony started sobbing.

"You ok there DiNozzo?" Gibbs said.

"The poor marine. And his poor family. It's just so sad." Tony sobbed. Cate stifled a grin and started covertly filming him with her phone to show Abby later.

"Snap out of it DiNozzo." Gibbs said slapping him upside the head. Tony sobbed more. Gibbs looked questioningly at McGee who shrugged. He turned to Cate and saw her filming Tony and trying not to laugh.

"Cate? What did you do?" Cate froze.

"Uh nothing Gibbs...nothing at all."

When they got back to the Navy Yard, Cate headed straight for Abby's lab having volunteered to take the evidence to Abby for processing. Gibbs followed quietly.

"Abby you have to watch this." Cate could hardly contain her glee.

Abby watched the video on Cate's phone laughing.

"What did Gibbs say?" Before Cate could answer, a voice came from the doorway.

"I thought you said you didn't do anything Cate." They turned around to see Gibbs standing there watching them. The truth came out and became the reason for rule #5.

_#5 Cate and Abby are not allowed to slip birth control pills into Tony's coffee to teach him a lesson. _


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: this one's a bit more serious than funny.

#6

It was one of the hottest summers on record. The air conditioning in the whole building had broken again and everyone was on edge while they waited for either the air con to be fixed or rain to hit and cool things down.

Tony was driving everyone crazy by constantly complaining about the heat.  
>After a while Ziva had had enough.<p>

"If it bothers you that much Tony why not go and spend some time in Autopsy. Ducky is not there so it is empty and cooler down there." Tony's face lit up. Ducky and Jimmy had gone to a conference for Medical Examiners and wouldn't be back for days. He could relax without getting in Ducky's way. He headed down to autopsy and sat on one of the autopsy tables to write up reports. He'd been sitting there for half an hour when he finally decided it wasn't cool enough in the room. He looked over to the compartments that usually stored bodies. With Ducky gone they were all empty. Tony shrugged to himself. He felt like a nap anyway.

He opened one of the lower compartments and laid down on it. He pulled himself quickly back in, not realising that the door had an automatic lock. He fell asleep quite quickly.

A few hours later, after a meeting with the director that had taken most of the day, Gibbs walked into the squad room. McGee and Ziva were writing reports and trying to fan themselves at the same time but Tony was nowhere to be seen.

"Where's DiNozzo?" Gibbs said sitting at his desk.

"Down in Autopsy. He kept complaining it was too hot up here to work. Since Ducky's not here I told him it would be cooler down there." Ziva answered. Gibbs walked down to Autopsy.

"DiNozzo?" He said walking through the automatic doors. There was no answer. Gibbs saw a stack of folders sitting on one of the autopsy tables but no Tony. Gibbs checked Ducky's office and the storage closet. He frowned. Where could DiNozzo be? Gibbs called the others down.  
>"Are you sure he came down here Ziva? I can't find him anywhere."<p>

Ziva looked around.  
>"Even Tony wouldn't leave files lying around like that."<p>

"Maybe he went for lunch?" McGee suggested.

"And forgot to come back?" Gibbs said raising an eyebrow.

"Wouldn't be the first time." McGee grinned slightly. Gibbs chuckled.

"Gibbs, McGee. Would Tony be crazy enough to...?" Ziva trailed off pointing at the compartments meant for holding corpses.

"Surely he wouldn't..." McGee said. They started from the top down opening each one. As they got to the first compartment on the third level, they were starting to get worried. McGee decided to go from the opposite side of the level. He opened the door to see Tony lying on the slab, his lips going blue.

"Boss. Found him. We're going to need an ambulance."

As Tony was taken to hospital for monitoring, Gibbs decided to add another rule to the list.

_#6 The autopsy fridges are not to be used during heat waves for personal cooling. _


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **I know I haven't updated in a little while so here's a new chapter.

#7

Tony smiled as he walked towards the building. Then stopped suddenly when he noticed a group of people standing outside around an ambulance.

"What's going on McGeek?" He asked walking up to McGee and Ziva.

"The elevator malfunctioned. Director Vance was inside and it sounds like the brakes failed and the emergency brakes failed to kick in. He's being assessed before they take him to hospital." McGee replied not taking his eyes off the scene. Tony frowned.

"How would both brake systems fail?" He said puzzled.

"According to this the emergency stop has been used so regularly that it wore out the emergency brakes." said the mechanic coming up behind them. He was holding an electronic readout of the elevator's internal systems.

Tony, McGee and Ziva exchanged a look. The mechanic continued.

"Whoever has been using the emergency stop like this should be arrested." As he spoke Gibbs walked up behind him, coffee in hand.

"So arrest me." he said, making the mechanic jump. The mechanic took one look at Gibbs and scurried away.

The next day Director Vance was back in his office. He had sustained a couple of cuts requiring stiches and a broken arm. Gibbs and his team filed into the Director's office.

"Gibbs. The elevator has been repaired. How about we keep the emergency button for emergencies from now on?" Director Vance said as they entered. Gibbs grinned and shrugged.

_#7 The emergency stop is only to be used in emergencies._


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: **Glad you guys are enjoying these. Am trying to post more often but it takes a while to come up with each story. Also any suggestions will be written up with the suggestee credited. This next chapter is taken slightly from an actual episode but tweaked a little.

#8

It had been a long week with no cases, Gibbs and the Director out of town and Tony in charge. All the paperwork had long been finished and the team were struggling to find anything to entertain themselves with.

That was when Abby came up from her lab with McGee. They were having an animated discussion about a video game.

"I could beat your high score anytime McGee." Abby said as they walked into the bull pen.

"Oh really? Maybe I should challenge you to a round or two tonight after work?" McGee said indignantly.

"Why wait McGee? We could play it now. In MTAC." Abby replied, a mischievous grin creeping onto her face.

"Abby we can't just hijack MTAC to play Counter Strike. Gibbs would kill us." McGee said looking around for Gibbs in case he happened to walk in.

"What's wrong McGee? Chicken? Or maybe you're afraid I'll beat you." Abby grinned heading towards the stairs.

"You won't beat me Abby." McGee said following her. Ziva and Tony exchanged a glance. Ziva shrugged with a "what else is there to do?" kind of look at Tony.

Almost four hours later and Abby had all but destroyed McGee's record. Even Tony and Ziva had gotten in on it and they were currently in the middle of a two on two match. Abby and Ziva were pulverising Tony and McGee.

"McGeek you're supposed to be good at this game. Why aren't we winning?" Tony said as Ziva came up behind his character and killed him.

"Tony I'm trying to sneak in just keep them distracted." McGee replied.

"Little hard to distract people when he's dead, McGee."

Everyone froze, then slowly turned around. Gibbs and Director Vance were standing behind them.

"Uh Boss this isn't what it looks like." McGee stammered.

"Then what is it like Special Agent McGee?" Vance asked. McGee stood opening and shutting his mouth like a fish, trying to think of how to word it.

"We had nothing else to do Leon. So we played some video games. It's fine." Vance turned his steely gaze from McGee to Abby.

_#8 MTAC is not to be used for playing video games._


End file.
